A Letter to my 10 Year Old Self…

Dear Jasmine,

I’m sorry nobody was there for you in the way you needed them to be. Already, at 10 years old you’ve endured 5 years of bullying, and 3 years of suicidal ideation already. Nobody should have to have put up with that. Especially as a young, innocent child.

You did not deserve it. I wish I could have been there for you, but I’m here now. I love you. I’m sorry. Please Forgive me. Thank you. You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry you witnessed so much violence. I’m sorry that when you got home from school after a full day of being called horrible things, you had to come home to a household with people high on drugs and minimal or no food.

I’m sorry you watched the people close to you hurt each other and themselves. I’m sorry you were surrounded by such destruction. I’m sorry for the toll that took on you. I’m sorry mum flips so randomly. I’m sorry she spent almost every one of your birthdays and Christmas’s in the psych ward.

Intent does not negate impact, but I want you to know that the people in your life love you dearly. They just don’t know how to express it healthily. I know you know they love you so much. That doesn’t make what you are and were subjected to right. Far from it. You did not deserve it.

I am here for you now. I’m going to be the responsible parent you didn’t get to experience. I’m taking you away from all that hurt and pain now. You don’t have to live in fear anymore.

As I write now, mum and dad have both passed on. I know when dad passed away it affected you deeply. As much as he was unpredictable, as much as he abused drugs and exposed you to so much violence, I know you love him deeply, and you know he loved you as well.

I know that he was always a constant in your life. The source of your fear, but also your protection. When he left this world, I know you were devastated. I know that him leaving shook your core. As much as he damaged you during childhood, he was also your stability. Your rock. The one constant in your life.

I know he never got to meet the real you. I know that after he died, you always wondered whether he would have accepted the beautiful trans person you are.

From this point onwards, depression is going to be a big part of your life. At least for quite a while.

I’m sorry that your nan shipped you off to your mums house the day after dad died and that you’re going to have to be a parent to your mum. I’m sorry you had to be alone with her through all her mania, through her spirals, and her depressions after dads passing. I’m sorry you had to look after her and yourself, while experiencing so much bullying and confusion within yourself.

You are so strong. You are so powerful. You put up with more than you should have been capable of, but you did it. I am so proud of you. From the point that I’m writing this now, looking back on your life, I couldn’t have gotten to where I am now without your strength, courage, and persistence.

I am so proud of you. I love you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you then. I promise that you are not ever going to experience what you did then, and in the future, you can use your experiences to strengthen your empathy. To strengthen your ability to connect with people.

And now, I can promise you you’ve come SUCH a long way. I know you thought you were broken. I know you thought you could never be repaired. But in the future, you have proved that SO wrong. SO SO wrong.

I know you’re hurt, but you’re not broken beyond repair. In the future, you will love and give people what they need. What wasn’t given to you when you needed it.

You are a beautiful person. You did what you needed to do to survive. You DESERVE happiness! You deserve to be treated with respect! You deserve to be surrounded by people who not only love you, but who look after your needs. Physical, mental, and emotional. You deserve to expect safety and comfort.

I’m sorry you had to live in survival mode for so many years. You’re not just surviving anymore. I promise. You are thriving. You made it. You survived. You survived the depression, the anxiety, the suicidal ideation, the OCD, the Bipolar, the numbing out with substances, you made it through the whole damn lot! You’re incredible!

Even though you had no examples of anyone doing anything with their life, you made magic. You turned it the hell around. So while you’re there right now, know that you WILL get through it. You WILL turn it around. You might have to cut off every single one of your toxic family members, and that is NOT selfish! You are allowed to look after your own needs! I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you.

Thank you so SO much for enduring what you did, so that WE may live today.

With love,
Jasmine Vine, Badass Trans Boss Bitch

It can get better. Ask me how. ❤

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